Nothing But Rants
Telling you why things suck since 2012. A Cliff Reinitz blog.

Epic Failure — Now in 3-D!

So it happens that George Lucas sucks these days.  Yeah, yeah, that’s not a controversial thing to say.  He’s fucked over Star Wars fans.  He’s fucked over Indiana Jones fans.  One of these days, he’s going to get it into his head to re-release a version of THX-1138 where “the authentic emotions fired first,” or a version of American Graffiti with an actual integrated plot.  And then we’ll hear whole new groups of George Lucas fans cry out in terror, and then suddenly be silenced, as the probing sensation around their rectum becomes a bit more comfortable.

About the only segment of George Lucas fans that will ever be safe, until the day Lucas finally passes through the veil and leaves his poor abused films behind, are the nineteen living Americans who liked Howard the Duck.  Because he’s not doing anything else with that.  He probably thinks it’s past saving.  (And he’s right.)

Okay, so we all agree that George Lucas sucks.  So I gotta ask you guys — HOW IS THIS NEW STAR WARS RELEASE MAKING SO MUCH MONEY?!

Seriously.  Every single person I know thinks The Phantom Menace is a turd-fest.  And we are not only not alone, we are not a minority.  Message boards and social network sites are filled with these people.  The anal-retentive guys over at RedLetterMedia (and from me, that’s a compliment; those guys are awesome) even released a 70-minute mini-movie review of Episode I where they picked apart every.  Single.  Last.  Thing about it that sucked.  If you haven’t seen it, you really need to.  I credit those guys more than anyone else with driving Lucas into his recent hissy fit where he said he wasn’t a-gonna make no Star Wars films no more, which caused me to get drunk from sheer joy.  (TV series, on the other hand, he’s fine with.  Probably because he just wants your cash.)

This movie is more reviled than a leper colony filled with pederasts who make their livings as telemarketers.*  And yet, as of yesterday, this movie had made over $35,000,000 in less than two weeks on its 3-D re-release.  (By the time you read this, that gross will be higher, perhaps much higher.)  And all of that is basically free money, since the costs of the film are already paid.

I have three theories as to the primary cause of this phenomenon.  In descending order of likelihood:

  1. A lot of people who hated The Phantom Menace are still gonna give it a chance in 3-D.
  2. George Lucas is buying up massive amounts of tickets all across the country.
  3. There are actually $35,000,000 worth of The Phantom Menace fans out there.

Okay.  Now, if it’s #1 — STOP IT, YOU MORONS!  No, it won’t be any better in 3-D.  No, it’s not worthy of a second viewing, just to be sure.  Yes, you’re just enabling him further.  No, it’s not acceptable if you go see it just to mock it.  It’s not The Room, people.  The Room is harmless, and doesn’t defecate on a beloved film franchise simply by existing.

If it’s #2, and I am saying “if” here, then…oh, Georgie boy.  This is what you’ve come to.

And if it’s #3, then perhaps you and I, and everyone else who hates the prequels, needs to be a lot nicer about them.  So we can lure these fans out of hiding.  And then place them in re-education camps with lots of electro-shock therapy.

The moral of the story:  if you don’t like the man, stop giving him money.


* I apologize if I caused any offense to the leprous pederast telemarketer community by comparing them to Episode I.


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