Nothing But Rants
Telling you why things suck since 2012. A Cliff Reinitz blog.

Learn to Drive

So it happens that I was driving the other day and got trapped behind a little blue car going ten miles an hour under the speed limit on a very busy road.  All I wanted was to get to Arby’s.  But I couldn’t get around the snail in front of me because people behind me were getting around me.  This went on for maybe a mile and a half, through two stoplights.

Then suddenly, the car slowed down more and turned.  Without putting on its signal.

I almost made its rear end look like an accordion.  I wish I had.  With any luck, the laws of cartoon physics would apply, and this asshole would drive his car around for years making that weird accordion noise that Wile E. Coyote sometimes makes when one of his plans goes wrong and his body is turned into…well, you know.

Illustrative video below.  Skip to about 1:20.

Okay, people.  It’s time you and I had a little talk.  LEARN TO DRIVE.

#1 — Don’t ever drive slower than the speed limit.  See, since that’s the maximum speed I can drive, that’s what I like to drive.  Drive slower than that, and you’re in my way.  One of these days, I’ll just run one of you down, and you’ll all have been responsible for driving me to it.

#2 — Rule #1 applies double if you happen to be in any lane other than the far right.  If you’re in the left lane and you’re driving ten miles an hour below the speed limit, you’re just a dick.

#3 — God put turn signals on your car for a reason.  Use them.

#4 — Rule #3 also applies to headlights after dark.  Don’t honk at me because I almost hit you when you were turning out of an unlit parking lot at night without your headlights on.  Yes, there’s a reason that’s so oddly specific.

#5 — When you’re in a situation potentially involving a car backing up, whether you’re the one doing the backing or not, it’s best to drive cautiously.  Don’t zoom down the Wal-Mart parking aisles like you’re Jeff Gordon, and don’t back out of a parking space like you need to leave the pit area now.

#6 — See those little lines on the road/in the parking lot?  Yeah.  Those tell you what space is YOURS, and what space is MINE.  Cross into MY space, and you run the risk of me screwing up your paint job just for spite.

More rules to be added in the comments as I think of them, and if I want to.  You’re welcome to join in.  Rants about pedestrians, cyclists, and bumper stickers to come later.

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2 Responses to “Learn to Drive”

  1. If you have the right of way, FGS take it. If I am waiting to make a left, because you are approaching in the oncoming traffic trying to make a right, DON’T slow down to allow me to turn first. I don’t know WHY you are driving slow, and for all I know if I make my turn you will just hit me and I will be at fault. So just make your right turn since you have the right of way. And do it quickly. All that your slowing down to let me go first does is let the big blob of traffic behind you catch up, and now I have to wait on them AND your slow sorry ass. You aren’t doing me a favor.

    (I know that sounds like a rare circumstance, but it used to happen all the time in the neighborhood I used to live in.)


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