Nothing But Rants
Telling you why things suck since 2012. A Cliff Reinitz blog.

Learn to Shop

So it happens that I recently had to make my shopping run.  It was a nightmare.  98% of the nightmarish qualities came from all the people around me being functionally retarded.  The other 2% came from those people as well, and for the same reason.  If other supermarkets are like mine, then most of the people in them need to learn how to shop.

So, as a public service, I am constructing a list of helpful suggestions for you to not be such an assclown the next time you go to the grocery store.  You’re welcome, America.

1) Don’t know what you’re shopping for?  Allow me to introduce you to an exciting new invention called…a “shopping list.”  See, the basic idea is that, while still in the comfort of your own home, you look through what you have and write down a number of items that you are likely to need at the store.  Then, when you’re in the store, you can refer to this list (I hope you brought it along!) to figure out what you have put in your cart and what you still need to buy.

This “shopping list” technique has several advantages.  First, it may help you in budgeting and dieting during these troubled economic times of exploding obesity rates — not on the list, not in your cart.  Second, it keeps you organized during your high-pressure time in the lightning-fast-paced world of a supermarket.  Third, and I really can’t stress enough that I consider this the most important reason of all, it helps keep you the fuck out of my way.

That’s right.  See, while you’re blocking the whole goddamn aisle by looking at the seventeen different kinds of canned yams wondering which one you should buy and weighing price-per-ounce and ingredient lists, you’re forgetting two things.  First, they’re CANNED YAMS.  One brand is as good as another.  Second, you’re blocking my access to the mushrooms.  I know what I want.  I have a list.  You are in my way.  You are being a dick about being in my way.  Really, you should be happy that I even allow you to make it back to your car alive.

2)  Do you drive on the left side of the road?  No?  Then don’t WALK on the left side of the AISLE.  If you need a product on the left side of the aisle, wait until you’re in the vicinity of the item you want and then take the one-and-a-half extra steps it will take you to reach the left shelf from the right side of the aisle.  If I am walking on the right (read: right) side of the aisle, and you are heading the opposite way on what is, to you, the left (read: wrong) side of the aisle, you are in my way.  Refer back to Rule #1 about how you should feel when you get in my way and live.

3)  There are certain walkways in the store that are main walkways. If you’re on them, stay close to the center if you can.  Why?  Because if you walk right next to the shelves, and I come out from a side aisle as you’re passing, we are going to collide or close to it.  This will cause me to glare at you in an irritated fashion, because you have just gotten in my way.  By now, you should be familiar enough with how much I do not like people in my way that I shouldn’t need to stress that point to you anymore unless you’re a walking zombie with an empty skull.

4)  Because some of you are zombies:  Don’t get in my way.  Don’t get in my way.  Don’t get in my fucking way.

5)  Playing off Rule #4, don’t walk really slowly in areas where there’s only room for one person at a time.  Long experience has taught me that when you do this, I will be behind you.  Now I grant you that you are not literally blocking my path at a standstill, so I guess that’s a point for you.  Still…in my way.  And since I don’t want to go to jail for sharpening my chainsaw on your bodily structure, don’t present the temptation.

6)  Stop browsing slowly through the fruits and veggies.  Don’t bother going through the uncooked meats section.  Those things take time and effort to prepare.  You won’t take the time or spend the effort, and we both know that.  So we also know you won’t buy them.  And it’s not like you get health benefits just from staring at things that are good for you.  Just head over to the frozen pizzas section where you belong.

7)  Buying diet soda is a waste of your money.  Go big or go home.  Buying diet food at the grocery store is a waste of your money.  You’re just going to “supplement” it with unapproved “snacks” from McDonald’s.  Buying diet pills is also a waste of your money.  But not just at the grocery store.  Anywhere.  Those things don’t work without exercise, dumbass.  So the basic lesson here is, if it says diet, and you buy it, what a riot — ’cause you’re a dipshit.

8)  If you let your kid run around in the grocery store, you’re a bad parent.  If you let your kid knock things off the shelves, you’re a really bad parent.  If you let your kid interact with strangers, you may be the worst parent in the Western Hemisphere.  Letting your child hit or insult strangers is only acceptable if your last name is Salt and her first name is Veruca.  Either leave the kids at home, or keep ’em on a leash.  Metaphorical leashes are fine, until they stop working.  Then I’m going to put a real leash on your child myself, and rename it Bowser.  That’s probably true anyway.

9)  If you don’t know how to work the self-checkout lanes, don’t use them.  If you’re trying to buy beer or other alcohol in the self-checkout lanes, you’re just going to have to hold up the line behind you while you go show your ID to the attendant.  IN.  MY.  WAY.  STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT.

You have any rules to add?


2 Responses to “Learn to Shop”

  1. How about not having family conferences at the intersection of two of the main aisles in a store, blocking all traffic?

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