Nothing But Rants
Telling you why things suck since 2012. A Cliff Reinitz blog.

I Want My Own BattleMech

So it happens that I was browsing through Something Awful the other day, and saw this link from over two years ago.  I used to be into MechWarrior in a big way.  It was a huge part of my junior high school life.  Come home from school, watch Salute Your Shorts and Hey Dude and Wild and Crazy Kids and Clarissa Explains It All, then head upstairs to fire up the computer for an hour or four of missions and destruction.

Screw the people who want flying cars.  I want my own BattleMech.

I’m partial to the Jenner.  It’s light, it’s fast, it’s got lots of laser weapons and you can always add on more…how could you not like it?  According to these guys, it’s one of the ten dorkiest mech designs ever.  That simply means that they’ll be the top two people on my target list when I eventually get a Jenner.  We’ll see how dorky my badass mech is when it’s blowin’ you away, suckas.  And I’ll probably have a mic wired to an external speaker, so before I kill them I can say something like “You about ta get Jenner-ized.”  I’m sure their final words will be, “That’s the stupidest fucking th–”  And then they’ll be dead.  It doesn’t matter how stupid my banter is when my mech can fry you from the inside out.

Most people would probably want a mech so they could fight in battles, or dominate people.  Not me.  I would only use my Jenner — I would name it Bruce, just for fun — I would only use Bruce for jaunts about the countryside and the occasional assassination of all the people who have made “The List” over the years.  In the meantime, I would keep it parked in the giant Mech Bay attached to my Colorado ranch home, which would be paid for by licensing little bits of my Mech-nology to the great unwashed (you).  Most of my days would be spent either polishing Bruce, or lounging by the pool next to my harem of beautiful clones eating schnitzel and watching sixties Euroswank films.  I haven’t decided yet whether there would be extensive variety in my clones, but at least two of them would be of Anna Kendrick.

I wonder if Kickstarter would be a good platform to start funding my Mech dream.


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