Nothing But Rants
Telling you why things suck since 2012. A Cliff Reinitz blog.

Grant Hill Is Gay

So it happens that I’m watching the Magic and the Thunder play on TNT, because I think it’s funny to watch Orlando fans cling to the few remaining shreds of hope they have that Dwight Howard will still be on their team come April.  It’s gonna be like watching the Lebacle all over again, except that Dwight Howard probably won’t break up with the Magic on national TV.  And as he always does, Grant Hill interrupted my joyous schadenfreude when he popped up to remind me not to say the word “gay” as a derogatory term.

This commercial has now aired just one time too many for my tastes.  I have seen it more often than I have seen Han smoke Greedo’s ass.  It is now officially pissing me off.  So —

Grant Hill, you’re gay.

And I don’t mean to say that you’re a homosexual.*  Because I don’t consider that an insult.  Some of my best friends blah blah blah.  Hell, it might be better for us all if you were gay.  You’d probably contribute a lot more to society as a hairdresser or an interior decorator than as the moral scold of the NBA.

The worst part is, I actually get where you’re coming from.  I don’t think it would be cool for somebody to say “That’s so black” when they meant to demean something.  I’m not in favor of making it illegal, either…but I wouldn’t say it, ’cause I don’t think it right.  So I wasn’t planning on calling anybody “gay” as an insult.  Except now I have.  To you.  Because, you know, you’ve really pissed me off, and so I think it’s funny.

Who the hell made you speech arbiter of the universe anyway?  Because that’s what this comes down to.  You want to control what other people say.  You’re gonna come into my living room almost every time I wanna watch an NBA game (for a year now, jackass) and give me a lecture on what I should and shouldn’t say, like you’re my dad and I’m fucking five?  Well, let me give you a lecture, then.

You think words hurt?  You know what else hurts?  Obesity.  You know what causes obesity?  Sugary drinks and fast food.  You know who had his mug plastered all over the place for Sprite and McDonald’s during large parts of my life?  Grant Hill, aka YOU.  So you’ve done your part to hurt every American kid who looked up to you, by helping to glamorize things that are bad for them and their health.  But as long as their fat, diabetes-laden asses don’t think it’s okay to call people “gay,” it’s all good.  Right, bro?

The pity of it is, you actually seem like you’re a cool guy.  When you’re not being an aggressive, in-your-face, speech-policing douche.

Wait.  Is “douche” bad too?


* Born in Dallas, LGBT capital of the South and the same city that gave life to gay porn director Chris Steele.  Mom went to Wellesley.  Played at Duke University, the gayest major basketball program in NCAA history.  Promotes reading.  All of that is true…still doesn’t make him gay.


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