Nothing But Rants
Telling you why things suck since 2012. A Cliff Reinitz blog.

Feb
27

So it happens that there’s an NBA player named Jeremy Lin.  If you haven’t had your head up your ass for the past few weeks, you likely know who he is even if you don’t give two shits about basketball.  He’s a Harvard man, the current starting point guard for the New York Knicks, and of Taiwanese heritage.  It is the refusal of some people to see him as more than that last tag which I am writing about tonight.

See, a week or so ago, the Knicks lost their first game with Lin as their starting point guard.  He played a pretty good game, but turned the ball over too many times, which allowed the other team to stay in the game and win.  ESPN’s headline about the game?  “Chink in the Armor.”  The resulting uproar in response to juxtaposing a well-known ethnic slur with a player of that ethnicity led to some embarrassment at ESPN, and the firing of the headline writer.

And all you racist assholes who called for that firing to happen should be ashamed. Read the rest of this entry »

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Feb
27

So it happens that I watched the Oscars last night.  And there’s a lot I could rant about.

Why did Billy Crystal look like he was popping Vicodin backstage just to get through the evening?  Why did Viola Davis not get an Oscar?  Why did Oprah Winfrey get one?  Who cares about Jonah Hill’s opinion on why films are important?  Did Whitney Houston really merit such a prominent placement in the whole “parade of dead people” segment?  Why can’t some of those winners speak any damn English?  Who in America thinks Melissa McCarthy is funny?  How the hell was Jason Segel not thanked for a performance that made a silly, stupid little song into an Oscar winner?

I could rant on all those things.  But you know what, I’m not going to.

Instead, I’m going to rant about the people who are ranting about those things.  Shut up, morons. Read the rest of this entry »

Feb
26

So it happens that so many people have pissed me off this week, I just decided to go with a theme and pick someone associated with yesterday’s Website of the Week, RedLetterMedia.  But it would have been too easy to pick one of the two main dudes.  Accordingly, this week’s Person of the Week is Gillian Bellinger.

C’mon, look at her.  She’s got red hair, she wears hippie chic, and she does stand-up comedy.  How many more things does she need to be the perfect woman?

Well, I don’t know.  But she’s already got three things she needs, I’ll tell you that.

Hey, don’t look at me like that.  I don’t apologize for my tastes.  I like many, many different types of women.  Tiny chill-acting red-headed women who can tell slightly foul jokes without coming off awkward?  That’s one of my types.

If you’re interested in checking out some of her work, she’s got a 15-minute video of her doing stand-up posted on her website which I have also embedded below.  I laughed at about 20% of her jokes…which is a really great rate for me and stand-up.  I’m the person who goes to comedy clubs to stare down the comedian and shake my head sourly.  And that’s AFTER I’ve had enough beers to mellow out.  If you can get me to laugh at one joke in five, you’re doing just fine.  You can see another example of her work on the “Half in the Bag” review of What’s Your Number?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4z30Y3poyo

And Gillian darling, if you ever read this, I will always be happy to buy you a beer.  Or propose, or anything in between.  You know, whatever’s cool.

Feb
25

So it happens that I don’t always want to be a nattering nabob of negativity.  There are, in this miasmatic world, a few shining things that fail to suck, or that at least don’t suck consistently.  So on the weekends, unless I really feel the need to rant, I’m gonna take some time off and spotlight a website and a person that I actually recommend.

This week’s recommended website is RedLetterMedia.

If you’re an InterNerd, you probably know these guys even if you don’t know you do.  The site’s proprietors, Mike Stoklasa and Jay Bauman, are (as mentioned by this site earlier in the week) the two lovable rascals responsible for the mega-length “Harry Plinkett” video reviews of the Star Wars prequels.  But their website has so much more:  similar reviews of the four Next Generation Star Trek movies and the latest Indiana Jones crap, for example.  And they do an irregular review show where they cover (mostly) current releases called “Half in the Bag,” which I watch religiously.

Their work can run anywhere from 15 to 90 minutes, though.  So if you want to try a shorter sample to see if they’re worth your time (which they are), watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lu02VSsLorE

Feb
24

So it happens that a friend of mine (yes, jackass, I have friends) sent me an article from CNN about some Mormons who are getting in trouble for baptizing Anne Frank.  Yeah, that one.  The one whose capital-D Diary you read when you were in eighth grade, and her cover picture made her look just like any other girl, only a bit more dorky but not in a bad way.  The book was really important, you were told.  You went along with it because you knew her name and her story already because who doesn’t know who Anne Frank was?  So you actually read a book your teacher gave you for the first time, and you felt really bad for Anne, because she was just a kid and she didn’t deserve any of the shit that happened to her.

And then you grew up and you found out that you’d been pronouncing her name wrong all those years, and that her father edited a lot of stuff out of her diary so who knew whether this was a fair representation of her, and then maybe you started to wonder why no one seems to care about all the hundreds of thousands of other kids who died in the Holocaust, and that pissed you off at your teachers so much you got some gasoline-soaked rags and some whiskey bottles and snuck over to your old school in the dead of night and played Russian Revolutionary.  We don’t need no water, let the…

Anyway — religion is always a touchy subject, so I’m going to say this as peacefully as I can.  If what these Mormons did bothers you, you need less free time. Read the rest of this entry »

Feb
24

So it happens that there’s a little song which is apparently muy popular among teh yung peoplez.  It’s called “Who Says” and it’s sung by a young Disney moppet named Selena Gomez.  I am linking the music video of the song, because I hate you after what you did to my dog.

That’s right, that’s what you get.  Poor Fluffers still hasn’t recovered.  Anyway: Read the rest of this entry »

Feb
23

So it happens that I have exactly one political principle.  It’s easy to understand, and simple to apply.  And you’re going to read it now.  Here it is:

“If you think you should be able to force someone to act like you want, you’re a dick and you should lose.”

Don’t ask me what you should lose.  You already know.

The amazing thing is how many political situations there are where this one principle is all you need to reach the right answer.  Let me illustrate by talking about the recent controversy involving birth control and the Catholic Church. Read the rest of this entry »

Feb
23

So it happens that I’m reading an article from Neon Tommy about people who think it’s cool to do something called live-action roleplay.  The object of LARPing is apparently to live out what your favorite desktop or card games would be like if they were real, and populated entirely by people (i.e., you and your friends) who make that buck-toothed, bad-hygiened, poorly-dressed Mary Katherine Gallagher doppelganger who lives three doors down from you in the “real world” look like Anne Hathaway.

Just in case you can’t tell how I feel about LARPing from that paragraph, I’m not the world’s biggest fan.  Let me see if I can explain why. Read the rest of this entry »

Feb
22

So it happens that I’m watching the Lakers-Mavs game on ESPN, because there’s nothing else to do.  And I can’t help but notice (again) that the Artist Formerly Known as Ron Artest now styles himself Metta World Peace.  The back of his jersey literally says “World Peace” on it.  The announcers are saying things like “Kobe gets the assist from World Peace.”  I’ve been meaning to rant about this for a while now, and since I’ve got the forum…  Read the rest of this entry »

Feb
22

So it happens that I really want someone else to be President in 2013.  Barack Obama has been pretty bad.  Which doesn’t surprise me.  I figured he’d be pretty bad, which is why I voted for John McCain last time despite some misgivings there.

Yet the Republican Party seems determined to NOT give me anyone to vote for.  Let’s run down the list: Read the rest of this entry »